A couple of years ago I realized that all of the counsel or recommendations I had given to parents when I was a youth pastor was brilliant but unrealistic. I was idealistic in many ways, but having not been a parent yet, I had gained that practical, get down in the dirt, horse sense that you need when raising kids. Now havng been a parent for 15+ years (its hard to believe!) -- I play back my youth pastor wisdom daily, but this time with some experience to boot.
One of the things I beleieve is that parents need to instill in our kids a sense and skills to be independent. I mean it starts with picking up their toys, picking up their clothes, getting themselves up in the morning with an alarm clock (as a college RA I saw too many 19 and 20 yr olds who could not do that) and even how they handle money! By the time a young person hits 13 or 14 they should be showing signs of independence and the ability to care for themselves on most basic needs.
However, something happened in our quest to create functional young people -- they became completely isolated from their parents and other adults. What I mean is that most young people are "detached" from their parents and they live in their own little world. For the most part, parents are not invited into that world and if they are they would have no clue how to relate. What happened?
I think there are a number of forces at work to separate parents from their kids. Part of it is the governments continuial intrustion in places where parents have the say on what should happen. I heard last night that a young 10 yr old girl went and received an abortion in New York this past summer without parental awareness or approval. Just alone consider that young girl facing the medical and physical trauma and not having her family to support her. However in NY State, the government says that if a girl wants to get an abortion without parental consent -- she can! thanks God it is not that way in PA -- but there are always those in the govt and out of the govt, tryiong to GET GOVT to over reach its bounds of authority.
I think technology has played a part. With computers and the internet, kids can have a cyber-relationship with all kinds of people -- people who their parents have NO CLUE ABOUT! Computers and the internet have made our kids most boraod of their knowledge of the world and what the world has to offer, but with their lack of maturity and emtional instability, that knowledge becomes a dangerous weapon. Then there are things like IPODs. We noticed this with our son, we get in the car for a hour or two ride, and we may say one or two sentences the whole trip. He puts on his tunes...and goes into his world. There was a day that parenst and kids would have significant discussions while driving along.
Finally I think we have isolated our kids -- we as parents! We forget that for a season of life, parenting is a main focus of life. Our time, energy, interest and leadership is to be focused on our kids. We have them for 18 years then they are gone. I have seen too many parents in recent years look at parenting as a tremendous burden and annoyance. I think that some parents PUSH independence on their kids so they will care for themselves and give the parents FREEDOM to go do what they want to do. At night we wnat to know what he did in school, what he had for homework, I want to see his work before he turns it in and I keep in touch with his teachers via the internet (see I can use techonology to my advantage!). It is my responsibility (there is that ugly and annoying word - RESPONSIBILITY) and therefore -- for a season -- I am to be involved and engaged in what my son is doing. I want to know and meet his golf team friends. I went in and introduce myself to all of his co-workers. I even listen to his IPOD occassionally to check out what music he is listening to and have learned how to delete it when necessary. Gosh, most families would be revolutionized if they would commit to having dinner together 3-4 times a week and talking!!!
This summer I recognized that for all intensive purposes -- my son is with us three more years!!! We have done a pretty good job with him, but he is still 15 years old. I don't want him thinking that he is his won authority or that he does not need me completely. I don't want him making money decisions completely on his own. He does not determine what activities he is involved with -- unless he runs it by my wife and gets approval on the family calendar! We have allowed him plenty of ways to learn and experience independance -- but without isolation from his parental authority.
Young people today are turned loose on their own -- too soon!!! Ths lack of parental involvement is not only a detriment to them but a societial cancer. Growing up channel 5 WOR TV use to start its 10PM News program with this simple reminder... "Its 10PM - Do you know where your children are?" I think we need to replay that often -- like ever morning, afternoon and evening!