To be honest I don't get too many comments on this blog. Occasionally a word of praise and very few critics. However, when someone criticizes what I wrote, I have no problem dialoguing about it. After writing some "Lessons Learned" about choosing a college, I received an anonymous comment. Here is what they wrote:
I agree with all except TWO of your points.
Where do you get off on the idea that YOU the parent gets to CHOOSE the college for the son or daughter?! That's utter nonsense! You have raised that child from birth up until the age of 18 and once that child graduates high school, he or she is responsible for their own life from that point on! mommy and daddy DO NOT get to have any say in the college choice. You can gab on and on all you want about what you think their choice should be, etc etc, but guess what? its THEIR decision to make, and if they choose to go to a college THAY like, it doesnt matter what YOU think. Are you going to pick out their spouse, their house, their food, and tell them how to wipe their butt too? give me a break!
Second, If in fact the child chooses a non christian university (oh no!) there isnt going to be much of a "spiritual temperature" on campus, and guess what? theres nothing wrong with that! So what if its a school full of atheists and buddhists and what have you, the education might be great, and thats whats important. If you think for one second that a college bound senior would choose a christian college with a really awful program in their field over a secular college with a notable and recognized reputation in their field, your nuts!
This is pushing the limits of the parental role. Once your kid is 18, its their turn to live life, without you holding their hand. Good as your intentions may be....you need to let this nonsense go!
Let me respond. First, there is obviously a very different view on the role of a parent and the relationship between a child and parent. The Bible is very clear that we are all "under authority" and that God has established and ordained some "social order" whereby we are under the authority of another person. Your employer, the government, church leaders and your parents. This authority is limited, yet there is authority and therefore accountability. One of the main reasons that God established these authorities is for direction, protection and wisdom. In the case of parental authority, there is no "age limit." As a matter of fact, biblically speaking, when a child got married there was a shift of authority to the NEW home being established by the marriage.
Therefore, I believe and think modern society proves that parents need to be involved in their children's lives, and should thru adolescence and young adulthood, then release them once they are truly "on their own." Just look around and consider the plight of this generation and you see young people "left to their own devices" too soon with no sense of respect and accountability to authority -- therefore no sense or fear of consequence. All in all, I have witnessed too many parents who have a "hands off" philosophy who are broken-hearted today. They did not raise a responsible, respectful, submissive independent adult -- they raised an independent, rebellious young person who is still trying to find themselves and continues to be a burden on their parents.
I am a little baffled where you get the idea of "18 yrs old" being the magic age -- the fact is, our government sees that 18 yr olds aren't responsible enough to purchase cigarettes, alcohol or even rent a car. Insurance companies know for a fact that 18 yr olds are the highest risks in their rating system. Either you are 18, or you are a parent who relinquished your child too early and now live with guilt -- I cannot figure out your logic.
Now let me answer the "choosing" issue that you brought up. On one hand I have the right and responsibility to choose or have great influence in my son's decision because I am helping him pay for college. I want to help him with that. Statistics tell us that 75% of graduating college students are so in debt that they have to work for 12 years in order to work off the college debt. We are working as a family so that my son does not have to be hampered with that encumbrance. But as I said in my entry -- my son is 16 going on 17 and he doesn't have the breathe of life experience to ask the right questions or even know what would be best for him. Do you know that over 80% of college grads in 2008 did not go into jobs for which they studied for. I don't want to see him make poor choices or unintelligent decisions because as a young person he follows his feelings and impulses (refer to my point of why God established parents). Just so you don't think I am "Attila the Daddy" -- I talk with my son - constantly! We discuss why, what, how, when...I don't hand down decisions and he mindlessly follows (you don't know my son!). But when push comes to shove -- I will overrule my son's desires -- if I don't think they will be profitable. Just last night, he came home after being asked to go to a ball game on Thursday night. He wanted to go. I just asked questions - "Isn't it a school night?...What time will you get home?...What do you have in school the next day?...Did you check the weather?" In the end, he saw that it would be unwise and declined. However, if he did not come to that decision -- I would have made it for him!
I get the sense that you resist any kind of input or don't like anyone suggesting "better or best" options -- especially if you are unaware of it. I know that I appreciate input in my life. I value it. I have that value because I had a father who did exactly what I am doing with my son to me.
Finally, let me address the "Christian college" concern. You might be surprised to know that my son is looking at two non-Christian colleges. I have no problem with that. He goes to a non-Christian public school now. However, even on a non-Christian college you can determine the "spiritual temperature" on that campus. There are Christian ministries available, there are churches that outreach to campuses and there are groups of like minded people of faith on every campus. Because "mostly" Christians read my blog, I am a pastor, and I WAS visiting a Christian college -- that is where that question comes from. However, I am also not jaded to think that on "Christian College" campuses there is a vibrant spiritual atmosphere occurring! That is why you need to ask. I know a Christian college that has a "non-believer" teaching -- I have a problem with that, more so than sending my son to a secular university.
I respectfully disagree with your final words -- "let this non-sense go" -- sorry, doing what I do and having counseled and watched families for the past 25 years as a pastor, I am convinced without a shadow of a doubt that permissive, absentee and hands-off parenting is an exercise in futility. I have never seen anything but pain and disappointment come from it. We have our kids for a short time and we need to be involved, engaged and provide the leadership they need.
I welcome your response -- next time have the courage to identify who you are so we can have a personal and forthright conversation.